It’s almost been three decades of my existence in this wonderful world. I have four brothers and two sisters, I was the youngest – the seventh in addition. I belong to a broken family shortly when I was born more or less at two months old. Little did I know about my first to fifth year as a child until my father and siblings have divulged to me all about our family history. I just know about our biological mother through narration of their experiences. That’s more on our side of the story nonetheless there were some details I’ve presumed from the folks’ gossips and the others’ side. I considered both legends were blended reports of the truth and the lies, exaggerated and the partial. I should say that their versions were both possible and it doesn’t matter to me since all of which were shadows of our past. Yet I’ve much favor and trusted my immediate family’s verbalizations more than anybody else.
The second half of my first ten years in which I’ve acquired my retentiveness and also my pragmatic open-mindedness which is still prevailing at my present state, I just listened a lot from people to all walks of life, scrutinizing about their sagas with my own reasoning at the time of my solitude however I always strive not to absolutely in favor of either perspective. I’ve to consider the buried truth though I’m not certain that someday I could excavate some deliberately or by accident or never exhume anything more.
At six years old I began my schooling. I have an undefined preference of things to have, to do, to be enjoyed, to play with… regardless of what gender it is expected, ascribed or intended. I could still reminisce how I’ve crafted and played the games; from bagul-bagol, bahay-bahayan, bamboo pistol, bato-lata (tumbang priso), biking, chinese garter, climbing trees, dance ball, dama (board game), dried-earth splinter war, diving, fishing, habulan, hiking,hula-hoop, jolen (marble game), kite flying, litik (elastic band game),bulang (mud ball), patintero, playing cards, bamboo mini-cart with cut-out slipper wheel, shatong (wooden stick game), skipping rope, slipper game, star-apple toy car, swimming, taguan (hide-and-seek), toy gun war, takyan (sipa), tin can mini-cart, tire-and-paddle, and a lot more.
Earlier, I’m not choosy with whom my playmates were; they may be boys, girls or both, it doesn’t matter to me. I also have fought and punched with other boys of my age then. I have taking sides for groups against another though I’ve never been bad like the boys of some other gangs. As a boy I may consider myself naughty but not to the extent of juvenile delinquent.I have my limits of doing something really bad – afraid that my father will know it somehow then I’ll be punished. I still kept in mind how my father was so strict of his rules. I was only allowed to play just within the neighborhood so that whenever he whistles one at a time it was compromised that I’ll go home quickly and don’t wait for the second calling or else I’ll bear to be whipped with a branch of a guava tree, or hagonoy stem or a leather belt.
On my fifth Grade in the elementary school at the age of ten my puberty stage has started. It was then that I’ve noticed a lot of physical changes as well as the emotional. The latter is more complicated by then. I was conscious upon having attraction with the other boys and I’ve often asked myself why I felt like this. I was frustrated with my peculiarity. I knew that my classmates were also changing but they’re normal as expected that they were attracted with their opposite sex. But what about me? I’m different. I’m ashamed of myself deep inside. I don’t have self-confidence and don’t have to flaunt in public in whatever way obviously. From then on I’m prudent about my actions but eventually I’ve sensed awkward feelings when playing with boys. If I keep on my disguise along with the boys my attraction to them grows stronger and each day the level goes higher until I deliberately stopped playing with boys then and go along with the girls.Yet I’m not avoiding them, I just prefer to be among with the girls.
On summer vacation, I had been leading the Holy Rosary in our chapel most often on Flores de Mayo along with the kids who regularly attended the assembly… to be continued…
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