Take Advantage…

written on Wednesday, May 5, 2010 at 1:14am

Sad to know the truth that the new generation mostly enjoys demanding free treats and taking advantages easily without hard work… Imagine a new set of leaders like these. There’s no hope for a clean patriotic service here in the Philippines. I understand politicians and their corruptions. The basis for this is the lost of virtue to each one of us Filipinos. The take-advantage system, that even our personal problem we brought its solution by flamboyant solicitations (marked by calloused-face syndrome) to our government officials we’ve elected. Why not work hard, find ways to earn clean money. Where do our talented and skilled youth go? To bars or drinking spree along the streets until they are all stupefied? People at the age of 18 and upwards who are still dependents to their parents? Are these people really worthless idlers? That even though they are starting their own family they are still depending on their parents’ income? This is why most Filipinos remained in the state of poverty. To ponder all these, obviously we’re not really poverty-stricken people as long as we have our healthy physical condition. Filipinos are known hardworking based on our history and even our present world-class splendors. Imagine Filipino people, our government officials’ monthly salaries aren’t enough to be shared to many different solicitors from all walks of life coming to their offices everyday. So better gain money from government project’s budgets. That’s why our big and small artifacts are made with low quality, like our highways, bridges, roads, buildings, and other structures - won’t last for long years enduringly. Election Day is coming again; I wish we’ll vote wisely not because we’re paid but because we aim to a better future. My God! When will this trait be contained? Stop making busted facilities. Let’s strive to be more productive in our individual ways of living… God bless the Philippines! So be it!

TURNING POINT OF MY BELIEFS

written on the last quarter of the year 2007

On the fourth week of September, 2007 I’m feeling old, unfulfilled, and exhausted of my life enjoyments of all comings and goings from time to time so I’ve ceased to think about my life in general. I’ve decided to have my vacation back to my hometown, reunites with my parents and sibs and their children after leaving the place almost twelve years ago including my seven years of living away from all of them. I’ve tergiversated with my hopes and determination for my vision that I might be blessed with an exuberant subsistence. A life that is very convenient with contentment of being able to furnish myself, and my immediate family with everything necessary and advantageous from day to day that should be maintained or improved with innovations. At present, this great voluntary pause of my life caused my resentment and remorse about my past.

I’m not considering my childhood life in bitterness since it’s not my fault against myself born to belong to a poor family. If only I have an extraordinary pre-existent will and a choice of parents-to-be, I might rather choose someone’s parents elsewhere of any world’s richest and peaceful countries then I’m one of the famous philanthropists maybe. I’m not saying this as disliking my parents since whether I liked it or not I was destined to be with them and that best denotes me phenomenally of what I am yesterday, today and tomorrows. I should say that it is my fault to die still in the state of poverty.

My attempts to find myself better ended as failures. Those times of my independence and self-supporting condition of being young, I’ve enjoyed so much of my youth and my singleness though I’m still single. I’ve stopped my academic then work as a beautician. I’ve earned money and relished spending for my needs and wants as well. I’ve spent much each day as if it’s my last. Good to expense each needing and wanting than hiding or saving cash and knowing it a moment that it was lost or taken by someone, generously or double-crossed. I was frustrated when such wastage occurred to me maybe thrice. Most of the times that I’ve helped a lot of people, be it acquaintances or not, as long as I’ve something to share with or served with them – things that I can do without putting charges. I’ve admitted that I really have by nature this enthusiasm to help others for the greatest joy there is I’ve found every time. Even now on my lot of being down-and-out.

When I’m down I’ve often asked myself why on earth there’s no one to help me as eager as my joy of lending my aid to them? Though I’ve succored most of them without expectations of something in return, I’ve pinned my hope upon God’s divine providence and blessings. Indeed, God provides and I’ve trusted Him so much as my belief and faith of His existence though my belief to Him is very different from all of these present prevailing religions. Of course He is a supernatural being as known by believers – the One who created everything. I can feel Him through myself, my experiences and my involvement in His creation. Believers around the world have their own acknowledgment of God’s existence, God’s most holy name, His life, teachings, personality and character. They have similarities and dissimilarities. They even contradict the others and vice-versa.

Until now though they unanimously agree of One God, still the believers were divided into different religions namely: the Christianity which is multi-differentiated into Catholicism, Protestantism, Presbyterianism, Methodism, Lutheranism, Quakerism, Mormonism and including the other Christian denominations anywhere in the face of the Earth; then we have Judaism; Mohammedanism, Muslimism or Islam; Buddhism, Shintoism, Confucianism, Hinduism, Brahmanism, Sikhism, Lamaism… Each of them claimed their God as the true One God. Since religions were founded long time ago, the conflict has begun then in that period of time. Their beliefs really affected their lives. There were times in our history that reminded us about all those recorded wars and mass murders – mostly religiously motivated. These religious wars were not yet abated until this present time. It is still on-going by their argumentations, unlike the bloody crusades between Muslims and Christians. The past and the present have the same goal that may the people or group with the true God wins.

Once again my belief about God is almost the same but also almost different from theirs of course I believed in God’s existence proven by just upon seeing His creation and moreover it comes from within me. All these things and what we called phenomena are visible evidences of an extraordinary existence, the unseen Doer. I presumed that nobody has seen this we called God. Although there are religious scriptures that mentioned about man seeing God, God talking with man or any encounter between God and man. This also tagged these scriptures as holy or sacred but I think holy or sacred for me is something that is untouchable and never be soiled. I believed in things that I’ve seen but my view about that certain thing lies on my own critical thinking.

For me, all these religious manuscripts were just written by brilliant minds on their perspective setting and time irrespective of their ignorance to modern science. It’s obviously not God inspired writings or according to God’s dictation as they have claimed. It’s their untimely explanation of supposedly modern explanation made their writings stated as hidden figuratively for today. Pondering the truthful consideration, a dictation of an Omniscient Being is precise and perfect regardless of time being. Right terms and words of everything should have been used or dictated even if such words don’t exist in their present lexicon. Their threatening reply is always never raise questions against God’s works. That concludes their pathetic perception and fear of negative consequence. We have to consider several factors that influenced their work or writing.

It cannot be denied that rampant plagiarism of today has been practiced by these few writers of centuries AD. A lot of possibilities may have happened indeed. These scriptures were written a long time ago but discovered just a few years back. Archeologists would just assumed that this one is written by so-and-so because it bears his name and even calculated in his actual time of existence. Whatever, whomever, whenever and however these scriptures were written, for me they are all just mere compositions of gifted writers or lunatics of their times. I opposed to those who are called experts of antiquity that they really can distinguish things as it is a work of a particular person from over hundreds of once upon a time. I should say that all their documentations and studies were just approximations and far from accuracy. Maybe I would give respect to them as almost accurate but not perfectly and precisely accurate. A lot of maybes to consider these promulgated facts as for the moment. What is fact at present can be a myth onwards or be corrected.

Today, we have discovered a lot of errors on our old and even new educational books and by this event it is also very much expected that even ancient writings have a lot of erratum. My belief in God is not based on these writings although there are parts of its contents that I could agree. I know that I’m not a good writer, couldn’t be considered even just an amateur writer too. I don’t care, I just want to write what I have in my mind as my copy in which I can read from time to time, edit it for new ideas that is fair for all concerns. I’m not conscious about my grammar anyway as long as I can put and construct words in my own accord then hmmmmm hehe I’m on my urge of writing something originally from my mind. Words and religions were just the same, all are just human inventions.

Words are just words, might be effective or powerful like spells. But I don’t think it really works that way. Maybe unseen doer of what a word signifies make it happened. Well, the one who acted the meaning of the uttered word isn’t really unseen, I should say that they can be visible too if they want to; it could be an omnipotent being whom we called God. God acts according to His own will not to our dictations. I put regard to the existence of extra ordinaries or super humans but they’re not equal to God’s power. I’ll consider the terms angel or other god.

THE BIBLE FOR ME

written on the last quarter of the year 2007

On my own point of view, the Bible is just a compilation of books of almost the same themes. As they have said it was inspired by God. It is really God’s words as believers believed it to be. That similarity can be possible because of certain factors to be considered like plagiarism, literary drudgery, etc… These happened a long time ago when writing became a trend. It was then that any words or literature can be used against another person or even groups. It affects their lives. The Bible is not exempted on this intent. I may not call in brainwashing because this term is too harsh. I should say the right word would be to influence.

As we can observe today word or words has been processed technically, implied by our age of information technology. You can see, read, find and hear information from so many sources. Of course these words are positive, negative and neutral. These masterpieces are combinations of this word category. There are lies, truth, facts, myths and even just nonsense. All of which really affects everyone. It depends on each individual, on their capacity to believing. Imagine the year 2000 panic, the doomsday. A lot of religious groups took refuge or shelter to their holy mountains, holy caves, holy dwelling places, paradise and such blah blah blah. What happened to prophesies of great saints? Hello, people wake up, it’s almost another decade pass the second millennium.

The Bible obviously influenced billions of believers around the world. Who’s not influenced when its weight starts on our childhood? Moreover when you consider its writings about those who do not believed will be thrown to the lake of fire – the second death, a place for eternal torture? The Bible literature defeated the mythological literature of the ancient Egyptians, the Greeks, the Romans, the Scandinavians and even the ancient myths of each of our locality. The Bible was written to this purpose. It’s well-planned. Written as a weapon effective to vanquish people out of their own self, it targets the prospects intrinsic motive that’s why no wonder the writers wrote about damnation of non-believers, also those believers who err, and those who might be against their literary production – the Bible. These Believers and moreover their preachers were possessed, they’ve closed their mind, limiting it Biblically. I observed them as fanatics. When inside their church building, they’re like angels to each other but anywhere out of the sight or influence of religion they are ferocious, despicable beings like vultures.

I was often attacked by such Bible-possessed individuals. Once I was one of church goers, I’ve observed that they are attacking one another Biblically. I was worried about my sexuality in which the Bible condemns. Anyway, Bible writers never knew what it takes to be a homosexual in a lifetime. I often examined myself and even thought of giving up my life so that I would never do things expected as homosexual acts. There was a certain point of my life that I decided to shut myself to the priesthood to keep myself safely in my guilt complex by the service and the Bible as snooze reminder whenever homosexual cravings arises – that was on my high school days. I lost my faith when I discovered by frequent stay in the convent that even the priest whom I presupposed as religious who almost covered their whole body with the Bible like adornment or accessories and their meals of God’s words three or more times a day. These priests indeed are also capable of homosexual acts by victimizing their acolytes or sacristans.

I imagine how much more in their seminaries? It is true that such dirty secrets can be concealed in crowded places so it can be in secluded monastery and even in church buildings. So there’s nowhere to hide what I feel but within me, however hiding in a closet is like a life in prison and a hypocritical delight of male-looking faggots. I don’t like hypocrisy either. I thought of dying, but why? Is this why I came to life? To suffer being judged and branded as bad or evil to be thrown in the lake of fire according to the Bible stories and prophesies? Their god is very cruel then, bias and lunatic like mad scientists are. Imagine the prophecy, and our part why we’re born is to play the role as the good, the bad, the evil and whatever not-your-choice role. If your role is the evil then you’ll be damn to hell when the great show is over, directed by God Himself accordingly.

The writers of the so-called Bible only wrote a lot of prophecies, everything about the lives of evil doers and their punishments; also the lives of the good doers and their rewards. Obviously, it is written to motivate believers and non-believers. It discourages the wrongdoers as well as to do something really wrong besides this minimizes the number of wrongdoers. I myself can also write a lot of predictions and stories and literatures like this but I admit that I’m not good as Bible writers were. Besides I don’t have the intention to influence other people on my belief and put them inside my pockets. I can only just share my thoughts whether they liked it or not.

Now I have fully made up my mind to treat Bible as a rhetorical piece, magnificent maybe. See how the world was ever possessed by this writing? If it’s really what it claimed to be then I doubt that there is one that existed. I mean even the Bible itself. This book causes confusion, wars and arguments. It also suggested killings as just. The ancient Jews stick to their Torah and rejected or don’t accept the rest of the Christian Bible. More than 2,000 years had passed since the start of recording days into weeks, weeks into months and months into years long before the calendar was a trend.

Nowadays, when anyone attacks my sexuality and my lifestyle, I just listen and ignore them. Only gays can understand gays as only girls or mothers can understand what it takes to be girls with monthly period and the pain of giving birth. Explaining to others who are not under the topic is a waste of time and effort. It’s better on my own. Silence but ostentatious. My part of gay’s crusade for partial and gradual acceptance. Our attraction to other individual is phenomenal. It’s not our choice before we feel what we feel when we’re attracted to other person. It’s just that normally a girl is expected to be attracted with boys and vice-versa. While in my case, I never anticipated or even forced myself to have affection towards the same sex of the same gonad. It’s neither a choice nor an influence from the environment or peers. I object to the saying “tell me who your friends are and I’ll tell you who you are” This quote is too poignant like the Bible. I have befriended a lot of people from all walks of life. I mingled with them for years almost everyday but I can say that I never give in to their bad habits especially the illegal. I know my limitations on dealing with their activities. Yet they are my friends whom I can trust more than the Bible-oriented ones. I also have few friends who are Bible believers whom I could consider as friends because I’ve sensed that they’re open-minded when we often meet and talk about things under the sun.

On the last quarter of 2007, perhaps my greatest downfall, it exceeded to my emotional chaos regarding my sexuality during my puberty. However I’ve already admitted the fact that I’m a homosexual. I’m happy of what I am moreover I’m proud of it.I’ve made up my mind to be conspicuous in public flying with colors than hiding in my closet which is most bisexual’s preference. Well, I’m not a bisexual who’s attracted to both sexes sexually. So I take the challenge by revealing what I’m feeling inside, be easily cognizable at one glance as an effeminate transvestite. This is my outrageous attempt against discrimination, deprivation of our right as humans, humiliation or mortification, abhorrence, discouragement, vulgarism, critical Biblicism, inhumane treatment and so on – the fiendish part of it when all of which aforementioned is done by our immediate family.

Despite of it all, homosexuals are overjoyed by the tiniest sparks of goodness, fragments of humanity, a blink of acceptance, a flutter of love, also a smile of respect, sympathy and consideration. Gay life is still colorful though only few people treated us very kindly however as time goes on we believed that by our vivacious ubiquity, social acceptance will be from the majority. But now my disgrace affects my inner self into helplessness and confusion. I feel like I’m on the start of going on with my life. Back at home like a child reminded me that I’m physically older now. Gone are the days in which I worked straight 12 hours, that was when the salon clients queued up for their turn of the services they’ve wanted, Unlike the present time in which us beauticians were spending each day waiting for clients to come.

To be continued…

A TOUCH OF AUTOBIOGRAPHY

written on the last quarter of the year 2007

It’s almost been three decades of my existence in this wonderful world. I have four brothers and two sisters, I was the youngest – the seventh in addition. I belong to a broken family shortly when I was born more or less at two months old. Little did I know about my first to fifth year as a child until my father and siblings have divulged to me all about our family history. I just know about our biological mother through narration of their experiences. That’s more on our side of the story nonetheless there were some details I’ve presumed from the folks’ gossips and the others’ side. I considered both legends were blended reports of the truth and the lies, exaggerated and the partial. I should say that their versions were both possible and it doesn’t matter to me since all of which were shadows of our past. Yet I’ve much favor and trusted my immediate family’s verbalizations more than anybody else.

The second half of my first ten years in which I’ve acquired my retentiveness and also my pragmatic open-mindedness which is still prevailing at my present state, I just listened a lot from people to all walks of life, scrutinizing about their sagas with my own reasoning at the time of my solitude however I always strive not to absolutely in favor of either perspective. I’ve to consider the buried truth though I’m not certain that someday I could excavate some deliberately or by accident or never exhume anything more.

At six years old I began my schooling. I have an undefined preference of things to have, to do, to be enjoyed, to play with… regardless of what gender it is expected, ascribed or intended. I could still reminisce how I’ve crafted and played the games; from bagul-bagol, bahay-bahayan, bamboo pistol, bato-lata (tumbang priso), biking, chinese garter, climbing trees, dance ball, dama (board game), dried-earth splinter war, diving, fishing, habulan, hiking,hula-hoop, jolen (marble game), kite flying, litik (elastic band game),bulang (mud ball), patintero, playing cards, bamboo mini-cart with cut-out slipper wheel, shatong (wooden stick game), skipping rope, slipper game, star-apple toy car, swimming, taguan (hide-and-seek), toy gun war, takyan (sipa), tin can mini-cart, tire-and-paddle, and a lot more.

Earlier, I’m not choosy with whom my playmates were; they may be boys, girls or both, it doesn’t matter to me. I also have fought and punched with other boys of my age then. I have taking sides for groups against another though I’ve never been bad like the boys of some other gangs. As a boy I may consider myself naughty but not to the extent of juvenile delinquent.I have my limits of doing something really bad – afraid that my father will know it somehow then I’ll be punished. I still kept in mind how my father was so strict of his rules. I was only allowed to play just within the neighborhood so that whenever he whistles one at a time it was compromised that I’ll go home quickly and don’t wait for the second calling or else I’ll bear to be whipped with a branch of a guava tree, or hagonoy stem or a leather belt.

On my fifth Grade in the elementary school at the age of ten my puberty stage has started. It was then that I’ve noticed a lot of physical changes as well as the emotional. The latter is more complicated by then. I was conscious upon having attraction with the other boys and I’ve often asked myself why I felt like this. I was frustrated with my peculiarity. I knew that my classmates were also changing but they’re normal as expected that they were attracted with their opposite sex. But what about me? I’m different. I’m ashamed of myself deep inside. I don’t have self-confidence and don’t have to flaunt in public in whatever way obviously. From then on I’m prudent about my actions but eventually I’ve sensed awkward feelings when playing with boys. If I keep on my disguise along with the boys my attraction to them grows stronger and each day the level goes higher until I deliberately stopped playing with boys then and go along with the girls.Yet I’m not avoiding them, I just prefer to be among with the girls.

On summer vacation, I had been leading the Holy Rosary in our chapel most often on Flores de Mayo along with the kids who regularly attended the assembly… to be continued…